flashback

Sometimes, you have to cut people some slack for behaving the way they do. Instead of getting up on your high horse & pointing out their faults wherever you find them, you admit that everyone is flawed.that is to say, we`re all human, & we are all destined to hurt one another, eventhough we DON`T WANT TO & we DON`T MEAN TO. We all dump on each other. We all give each other a hard time one way or another. The only way out of this mess is to learn how to FORGIVE, which means not to take things so damn personally. Then you don`t have to get even, or stomp around in anger, or break up or do all the things people do when they get hurt. So we just have to hang in there w each other & TRY to be smart & patient enough so we don`t end our lives all alone, having rejected everyone by then.

But then again, FORGIVING can be difficult because resentment & hatred can creep into the corners of your heart and won`t let you go, while forgiveness slips past you just like that. the more severe the hurt that has been done to you, the more difficult it is to free yourself from hatred that entwines you. Sometimes, you keep raging inside & it`s not because you are exactly angry, but because you are afraid. you are afraid of getting hurt again so you think that you are safe just by being angry with the person who hurt you.

I guess forgiveness starts with hurt, anger, disbelief, hatred and confusion. It starts in bitterness and disappointment, in that ridiculous belief that you must never and will never forgive that person. I guess each one of us has got to learn to forgive what has happened and try to make the hurt end. I see the need for one to let the anger rise like a fire and then burn itself out on its own, rather than let it set another fire. You fucking take the burn then you heal. you don`t spread the goddamn motherfucking fire.

I am giving up on my hope that the past could have been different. Forgiveness is going to be the representation of my letting go. I want to accept what happened actually did happen and that it can never unhappen. i can`t change it no matter how much anger I have in me. I need to feel the sadness, know the pain, grieve my loss and move on. And i`m not bringing anger and resentment along because they hurt me more than the person who has hurt me.

I`m learning to forgive myself for that one final action that I did that caused us to break up. I`ve always felt responsible for it but I guess that i`m trying to accept that I lack control and that the chains that keep me unforgiving and angry with myself will soon break. I wanna be able to rise above what has been holding me back. I`m gonna be free because I`m gonna finally forgive myself and admit that I have made a grave mistake.

- Nurul Fitriyanna, 16 January 2008


One year onward, I am amazed how strong I`ve become (: